I had a miscarriage last month.
My experience is not profound.
There are millions of families who have been through this,
and each family has their own story.
I am not sharing this for sympathy.
I am sharing it part for catharsis,
and part to maybe help some other family,
some other mama,
who has been through the same thing,
but may be struggling with the loss.
This experience changes people's lives;
makes them stronger.
We found out we were pregnant in early February
when we were on our trip to Cambria.
My period was late, and after a negative pregnancy test taken earlier in the week,
but still no sign of it coming, I packed another test in my bag,
just in case.
By Friday I was 5 days late and starting to show true signs of pregnancy.
Being pregnant once, I had a much clearer
understanding of what it felt like.
We waited until Saturday morning to test again.
The plus sign was clear as day and showed up almost immediately.
I was brushing my teeth and Travis and I were just staring at each other
and smiling... like a really excited but nervous "holy shit!" smile.
It was perfect.
Kieran was still sleeping, so we decided to go back to bed,
get some more rest, and snuggle.
We were on vacation after all.
Once baby woke up we went for a morning jog,
and with rain in the forecast,
the sky was especially magnificent.
When we got back to the beach house
I took a shower and got ready for the day while
Travis, Jason and Leah all pitched in to cook a delicious breakfast.
Did I mention our friends Jason and Leah were with us on this trip?
Here they are being adorable with Kieran in the backseat of our truck:
"Auntie Lee-la's" hands as we drove along the windy highway 46.
We decided to tell them the good news at the breakfast table.
Even though it is not customary to share such news of pregnancy
until you are farther along,
we were comfortable sharing our excitement with such close friends,
as no matter what, we would want them to know.
Not to mention, I would obviously not be able to partake in the
wine tasting we were planning to do that day,
and being that I love me some wine tasting,
that would require an explanation! ;-)
They were, of course, excited for us.
we were on cloud 9,
utterly THRILLED to say the least!
This picture was taken the day we found out we were pregnant.
We were at Adelaida Winery, one of our favorite stops in Paso Robles.
Can you see the beaming happiness?
We were so excited.
Everything we did was a little more special.
We were going on adventures with not just the three of us, but the four of us!
Holding my son, knowing I had his little baby brother or sister inside me
made ever cuddle that much more special.
Every embrace with my husband, that much more intimate.
We were growing.
Not only physically, but emotionally too.
The bleeding started a little over a week after we found out we were pregnant.It was a Tuesday night.
It was very little at first, but alarming nonetheless.
We went to the doctor on Wednesday morning,
as soon as they could squeeze us in.
A pee test showed I was still pregnant,
and a pelvic exam showed promising news...
an ultrasound was the next step.
Travis held my hand and I could feel myself holding my breath,
unsure of what we were about to see,
unsure of what we were about to learn.
My doctor pointed to the monitor and said,
"Here is your pregnancy."
"You see that little flickering light? That is the heartbeat."
Even though we were scared and uncertain as to what was ahead for us,
Travis and I could not help but smile to see that sweet little baby,
that flickering light.
The heartbeat was "a little slow" and the baby
was measuring about a week behind.
But baby was there.
Bright and fluttering right before our eyes.
And we were in love,
as any parent would be.
It was bittersweet, though. Because we were scared.
We didn't know what would happen.
Would baby make it?
And if so, would he or she be healthy?
I was diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage"
and sent home with an order to "take it easy,"
and "if possible, try not to pick up your son,"
and we would follow up with another visit in 10 days.
TEN DAYS?!
A few tears were shed, while trying our best to stay positive, hopeful.
We did our very best to keep this baby alive.
I could sit here and tell you all of the things that were upsetting"Here is your pregnancy."
"You see that little flickering light? That is the heartbeat."
Even though we were scared and uncertain as to what was ahead for us,
Travis and I could not help but smile to see that sweet little baby,
that flickering light.
The heartbeat was "a little slow" and the baby
was measuring about a week behind.
But baby was there.
Bright and fluttering right before our eyes.
And we were in love,
as any parent would be.
It was bittersweet, though. Because we were scared.
We didn't know what would happen.
Would baby make it?
And if so, would he or she be healthy?
I was diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage"
and sent home with an order to "take it easy,"
and "if possible, try not to pick up your son,"
and we would follow up with another visit in 10 days.
TEN DAYS?!
A few tears were shed, while trying our best to stay positive, hopeful.
We did our very best to keep this baby alive.
I stayed laid up all week,
refrained from picking up my sweet Kieran, and did zero exercise.
I also stopped breast feeding completely, as to not lower baby's chances.
I had done a ton of research before even trying to get pregnant,
and it showed that breastfeeding while pregnant is completely safe.
However, due to the delicate nature of the situation,
I needed all my nutrients and energy to be spent taking care of the new baby,
and the chance of any possible uterine contractions was the last thing we wanted.
It was a struggle,
maybe moreso for me than for Kieran.
I was going through so much emotionally,
and now I was having to take away a very precious bond we shared.
But what happened next was a shock to me.
It's almost as though he knew...
and instead of crying for "doobie"--as he calls it,
(I don't know why, a mispronunciation of 'boobie' I could surmise),
he instead, just wanted "mama",
and would put his ear to my bare chest and cuddle me.
It was the sweetest thing ever,
and definitely something I needed just as much as he did.
and definitely something I needed just as much as he did.
Meanwhile, as Kieran and I were cuddling,
Travis was busting his ass to keep us feed, comfortable, and the house up to speed.
He has been overloaded at work as of late,
and his long hours have been hard on all of us.
We could not have survived without the help of Travis' parents
who watched Kieran everyday while Travis was at work and I was on bed rest.
It also helped to have family and close friends
who sent us sweet words of encouragement,
or who came over to bring us dinner and lift our spirits.
After researching threatened miscarriages,
and reaching out to other mothers on online forums,
I found that many women have the same symptoms.
That 50% of women diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage go on
to have a normal pregnancy, and a healthy baby, at the end of it.
I cannot thank that community of women,
some people I didn't even know,
who rallied for us, and sent us well wishes.
We were hopeful.
When we went back for our doctor's appointment 10 days later,
there was no sign of baby in my uterus.
Deep down, we both knew.
Things started to feel different those last few days,
the morning sickness was gone,
my breasts no longer tender.
I don't know whether my doctor truly believed baby would make it or not.
But I noticed later than when she pointed to the ultrasound at our first visit,
she used the the phrase, "Here's your pregnancy" instead of "Here's your baby."
Subtle changes in the approach from when we saw
Kieran on the ultrasound screen for the first time.
She also did not offer a copy of the ultrasound image,
as is customary with a healthy pregnancy.
I didn't think of it at the time,
but I am so glad I thought to go back and pick it up later.
It's a special reminder that, at one point,
that sweet baby was alive in me.
Right now, that image is proudly placed on our refrigerator,
amongst other pictures of family, cherished keepsakes,
& Kieran's drawings.
It was a short 8 weeks with baby in my belly,
and an even shorter 3 weeks of knowing we were pregnant...
but we were mentally preparing and making space for the new baby
in our home, in our lives, in our hearts.
I thought of how amazing it was that our baby was rounding my belly
so much earlier than with my last pregnancy.
But knowing that it could be a fleeting prize,
I loved that little baby bump more than ever.
I cherished it.
I will not forget how it felt to have Travis rub it again,
with the new addition of having Kieran kiss it.
He was practicing saying, "Big brother!"
As you can see, even my stretchy pants were getting snug.
My belly button was already pushing out a bit too.
What a beautiful sign that I was growing
something so delicate and amazing inside me.
Meanwhile, as the belly grows, the heart does too.
and his long hours have been hard on all of us.
We could not have survived without the help of Travis' parents
who watched Kieran everyday while Travis was at work and I was on bed rest.
It also helped to have family and close friends
who sent us sweet words of encouragement,
or who came over to bring us dinner and lift our spirits.
After researching threatened miscarriages,
and reaching out to other mothers on online forums,
I found that many women have the same symptoms.
That 50% of women diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage go on
to have a normal pregnancy, and a healthy baby, at the end of it.
I cannot thank that community of women,
some people I didn't even know,
who rallied for us, and sent us well wishes.
We were hopeful.
When we went back for our doctor's appointment 10 days later,
there was no sign of baby in my uterus.
Deep down, we both knew.
Things started to feel different those last few days,
the morning sickness was gone,
my breasts no longer tender.
I don't know whether my doctor truly believed baby would make it or not.
But I noticed later than when she pointed to the ultrasound at our first visit,
she used the the phrase, "Here's your pregnancy" instead of "Here's your baby."
Subtle changes in the approach from when we saw
Kieran on the ultrasound screen for the first time.
She also did not offer a copy of the ultrasound image,
as is customary with a healthy pregnancy.
I didn't think of it at the time,
but I am so glad I thought to go back and pick it up later.
It's a special reminder that, at one point,
that sweet baby was alive in me.
Right now, that image is proudly placed on our refrigerator,
amongst other pictures of family, cherished keepsakes,
& Kieran's drawings.
and an even shorter 3 weeks of knowing we were pregnant...
but we were mentally preparing and making space for the new baby
in our home, in our lives, in our hearts.
I thought of how amazing it was that our baby was rounding my belly
so much earlier than with my last pregnancy.
But knowing that it could be a fleeting prize,
I loved that little baby bump more than ever.
I cherished it.
I will not forget how it felt to have Travis rub it again,
with the new addition of having Kieran kiss it.
He was practicing saying, "Big brother!"
My belly button was already pushing out a bit too.
What a beautiful sign that I was growing
something so delicate and amazing inside me.
Meanwhile, as the belly grows, the heart does too.
about going through a miscarriage,
the small differences in the doctor's bedside manner
that made us feel like our pregnancy wasn't a big deal,
or how society makes you feel somehow inadequate as a mother.
I mean, the word 'miscarriage' itself gives false pretense as to how I handled my child.
This baby was not miscarried. This baby was carried with love.
With everything we had. And we rallied to keep it.
But all of that is neither here nor there, I would rather focus on the positives.
I can't focus on the loss, because the reality is,
I think we gained something too.
but those 3 weeks were a highlight in our lives,
and a time that we will never forget.
I feel honored.
Blessed to have had the opportunity to have that sweet baby
be a part of our little family, as brief as it may have been.
be a part of our little family, as brief as it may have been.
I know I am not alone. I know this happens all too often.
I know we all cherish those babies.
And in the end,
we will never forget that trip to Cambria.
we will never forget that trip to Cambria.
It will be one of the most memorable trips we ever took.
A special thanks to Jason and Leah for sharing it with us.
Buds at Adelaida Winery!
A special thanks to Jason and Leah for sharing it with us.
Buds at Adelaida Winery!
Friends helping friends!
(Mama needed some help holding the
sleeping babe while taking off her jacket.)
Showing Kieran some pool moves.
Morning jog/bike ride along the bluffs.
Visit to see the elephant seals!
Kieran wanted to "jump down" and "pet them."
Umm, not a good idea kiddo!
Friends, thanks for letting me share, and ultimately,
being a part of our story.
XOXO
Aimee
