Mother's Day

As a young adult I remember being embarrassed by my mom's 

willingness to make friends with any person who came along. 

She was not shy about offering a helping hand or a generous smile

 to someone who didn't seem to invite the gesture. 

I remember being protective of her, whispering under my breath,

 "Mom, come on," and guiding her away from the awkward interaction. 

But it was who my mom was. 

She genuinely cared about others, and wanted to make them smile.

She was a woman who was always eager to connect. 
To make eye contact, 
to make someone smile,
to bring the good out in others. 

 I love this pic of my mom (right) and her sister, Betty. 2013.

As my mom's memory began to get worse, 
she stopped personal training at Bally's 
and found a job working at Loehmann's in the Ladies fitting room.
She worked there for about 5 years before she retired.

It was the perfect setting for her.

She could greet people with a smile,

ask them how their day was, 

and maybe make them feel good about the clothes they tried on. 

But sometimes, people could see my mom beyond being just the fitting room attendant.

They got to know her compassion, and the love she was 

willing to share with complete strangers.

A few years back when we were moving my mom,

(I wrote a post on that here.) 

I came across a letter she received from a woman, Cynthia, who came in to

Loehmann's and met my mom in the most unique way. 

It was around Christmas time. 

She took the time to write about it, and then send it in a form of a letter 
to Loehmann's with my mom's attention on the envelope. It read:

"My dear friends,

No one tells you of the pitfalls that occur around a holiday death, so let me offer a few words of caution. 

Strangers will ask you if you had a good Christmas. If you are unprepared for this query, you may blurt out the truth: 'No! My mother died on Sunday' and then you will burst into tears. If you are lucky and shopping at Loehmann's, the fitting room attendant will usher you into a fitting room and embrace you, offering words of encouragement and solace and 'Take all the time you need.'

Before you know it, the fitting room attendant is your new best friend, and you are locked in a mutual embrace. Words of comfort from a complete stranger. Then your good girl will kick in- 'You just made this woman feel bad for offering you a holiday greeting' Time to comfort her, and so you do.

Beware of shopping while grieving. But if you do, shop at Loehmann's. 

Cynthia"

I still have that letter.
It is a great reminder of who my mom was. 
 & if I knew how, I would thank Cynthia for writing it. 

I miss my Mom.

She is here, but she no longer talks much. 
Every once and a while I will get an "I love you" 
or a "You're wonderful!"
and I hang onto it with everything I've got. 

She still recognizes me, 
and often her eyes will light up 
and she will smile big when she sees me.
When I hug her, she leans in.
When I hold her hand, she squeezes it tight. 
She is in there. 
Bits and pieces of the mom I once knew.
That's the good stuff.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.

XOXO
Aimee 

Bittersweet Baby #2

I had a miscarriage last month.

My experience is not profound. 
There are millions of families who have been through this, 
and each family has their own story. 
I am not sharing this for sympathy. 
I am sharing it part for catharsis,
and part to maybe help some other family, 
some other mama,
 who has been through the same thing, 
but may be struggling with the loss.  

 Sugaboo Designs. 

This experience changes people's lives;
makes them stronger.

We found out we were pregnant in early February 
when we were on our trip to Cambria.
My period was late, and after a negative pregnancy test taken earlier in the week,
but still no sign of it coming, I packed another test in my bag,
just in case.

By Friday I was 5 days late and starting to show true signs of pregnancy. 
Being pregnant once, I had a much clearer 
understanding of what it felt like. 

We waited until Saturday morning to test again.
The plus sign was clear as day and showed up almost immediately.
I was brushing my teeth and Travis and I were just staring at each other 
and smiling... like a really excited but nervous "holy shit!" smile.

It was perfect. 

Kieran was still sleeping, so we decided to go back to bed, 
get some more rest, and snuggle.
We were on vacation after all.

Once baby woke up we went for a morning jog, 
and with rain in the forecast,
the sky was especially magnificent.  



When we got back to the beach house 
I took a shower and got ready for the day while 
Travis, Jason and Leah all pitched in to cook a delicious breakfast.
Did I mention our friends Jason and Leah were with us on this trip?
Here they are being adorable with Kieran in the backseat of our truck:

He really enjoyed holding "Uncle Dookie" (don't ask) and 
"Auntie Lee-la's" hands as we drove along the windy highway 46. 

We decided to tell them the good news at the breakfast table. 
Even though it is not customary to share such news of pregnancy 
until you are farther along,
 we were comfortable sharing our excitement with such close friends,
as no matter what, we would want them to know.
Not to mention, I would obviously not be able to partake in the 
wine tasting we were planning to do that day, 
and being that I love me some wine tasting, 
that would require an explanation!  ;-)

They were, of course, excited for us.

Being pregnant with our second little baby,
we were on cloud 9,
utterly THRILLED to say the least!


This picture was taken the day we found out we were pregnant.
We were at Adelaida Winery, one of our favorite stops in Paso Robles.
Can you see the beaming happiness? 
We were so excited.

Everything we did was a little more special. 

We were going on adventures with not just the three of us, but the four of us! 

Holding my son, knowing I had his little baby brother or sister inside me

made ever cuddle that much more special. 

Every embrace with my husband, that much more intimate.

We were growing. 

Not only physically, but emotionally too.

The bleeding started a little over a week after we found out we were pregnant.
It was a Tuesday night.
It was very little at first, but alarming nonetheless. 
We went to the doctor on Wednesday morning, 
as soon as they could squeeze us in. 

A pee test showed I was still pregnant,
and a pelvic exam showed promising news...
 an ultrasound was the next step.

Travis held my hand and I could feel myself holding my breath, 
unsure of what we were about to see,
unsure of what we were about to learn.

My doctor pointed to the monitor and said,
"Here is your pregnancy."
"You see that little flickering light? That is the heartbeat."
Even though we were scared and uncertain as to what was ahead for us,
Travis and I could not help but smile to see that sweet little baby,
that flickering light. 

The heartbeat was "a little slow" and the baby 
was measuring about a week behind.
But baby was there. 
Bright and fluttering right before our eyes. 
And we were in love,
as any parent would be. 



It was bittersweet, though. Because we were scared. 
We didn't know what would happen. 
Would baby make it? 
And if so, would he or she be healthy? 

I was diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage" 
and sent home with an order to "take it easy,"
and "if possible, try not to pick up your son,"
and we would follow up with another visit in 10 days.

TEN DAYS?!

A few tears were shed, while trying our best to stay positive, hopeful. 

We did our very best to keep this baby alive.

I stayed laid up all week, 

refrained from picking up my sweet Kieran, and did zero exercise. 

I also stopped breast feeding completely, as to not lower baby's chances. 

I had done a ton of research before even trying to get pregnant, 

and it showed that breastfeeding while pregnant is completely safe.

However, due to the delicate nature of the situation, 

I needed all my nutrients and energy to be spent taking care of the new baby, 

and the chance of any possible uterine contractions was the last thing we wanted. 

It was a struggle, 

maybe moreso for me than for Kieran. 

I was going through so much emotionally, 

and now I was having to take away a very precious bond we shared. 

But what happened next was a shock to me. 

It's almost as though he knew... 

and instead of crying for "doobie"--as he calls it, 

(I don't know why, a mispronunciation of 'boobie' I could surmise),

 he instead, just wanted "mama",

 and would put his ear to my bare chest and cuddle me. 

 It was the sweetest thing ever, 
and definitely something I needed just as much as he did. 

Meanwhile, as Kieran and I were cuddling,

Travis was busting his ass to keep us feed, comfortable, and the house up to speed.

He has been overloaded at work as of late,
 and his long hours have been hard on all of us.
We could not have survived without the help of Travis' parents
who watched Kieran everyday while Travis was at work and I was on bed rest.
It also helped to have family and close friends 
who sent us sweet words of encouragement,
or who came over to bring us dinner and lift our spirits. 

After researching threatened miscarriages,
and reaching out to other mothers on online forums,
I found that many women have the same symptoms.
That 50% of women diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage go on 
to have a normal pregnancy, and a healthy baby, at the end of it.
I cannot thank that community of women,
some people I didn't even know,
who rallied for us, and sent us well wishes.

We were hopeful.

When we went back for our doctor's appointment 10 days later,
there was no sign of baby in my uterus. 

Deep down, we both knew.
Things started to feel different those last few days,
the morning sickness was gone,
my breasts no longer tender.

I don't know whether my doctor truly believed baby would make it or not.
But I noticed later than when she pointed to the ultrasound at our first visit,
she used the the phrase, "Here's your pregnancy" instead of "Here's your baby."
Subtle changes in the approach from when we saw 
Kieran on the ultrasound screen for the first time.
She also did not offer a copy of the ultrasound image,
as is customary with a healthy pregnancy.
I didn't think of it at the time,
but I am so glad I thought to go back and pick it up later.
It's a special reminder that, at one point, 
that sweet baby was alive in me.

Right now, that image is proudly placed on our refrigerator,
amongst other pictures of family, cherished keepsakes,
& Kieran's drawings.

It was a short 8 weeks with baby in my belly,
and an even shorter 3 weeks of knowing we were pregnant...
but we were mentally preparing and making space for the new baby 
in our home, in our lives, in our hearts.

I thought of how amazing it was that our baby was rounding my belly 
so much earlier than with my last pregnancy. 
But knowing that it could be a fleeting prize,
I loved that little baby bump more than ever.
I cherished it.
I will not forget how it felt to have Travis rub it again, 
with the new addition of having Kieran kiss it.
He was practicing saying, "Big brother!"

As you can see, even my stretchy pants were getting snug.
My belly button was already pushing out a bit too.

What a beautiful sign that I was growing 
something so delicate and amazing inside me. 
Meanwhile, as the belly grows, the heart does too. 

I could sit here and tell you all of the things that were upsetting
about going through a miscarriage,
the small differences in the doctor's bedside manner
that made us feel like our pregnancy wasn't a big deal,
 or how society makes you feel somehow inadequate as a mother.
I mean, the word 'miscarriage' itself gives false pretense as to how I handled my child. 
This baby was not miscarried. This baby was carried with love.
With everything we had. And we rallied to keep it.
But all of that is neither here nor there, I would rather focus on the positives.
I can't focus on the loss, because the reality is, 
I think we gained something too.

Sure, it was just 3 weeks that we knew we were pregnant, 
but those 3 weeks were a highlight in our lives,
and a time that we will never forget.

I feel honored. 

Blessed to have had the opportunity to have that sweet baby
 be a part of our little family, as brief as it may have been. 

I know I am not alone. I know this happens all too often. 

I know we all cherish those babies. 

And in the end, 
we will never forget that trip to Cambria.

It will be one of the most memorable trips we ever took.

A special thanks to Jason and Leah for sharing it with us.


Buds at Adelaida Winery! 

Friends helping friends! 

(Mama needed some help holding the 

sleeping babe while taking off her jacket.) 

Showing Kieran some pool moves.

Morning jog/bike ride along the bluffs.

Visit to see the elephant seals! 

Kieran wanted to "jump down" and "pet them." 

Umm, not a good idea kiddo!  

Friends, thanks for letting me share, and ultimately, 

being a part of our story.

XOXO

Aimee

2015: A New Year

It looks like a dream,

but this is real life.

This was the first day of the new year, and I was 

lucky enough to spend it with these two adorable guys.

There is something about the new year 

that makes me notoriously silly sentimental.

Maybe it's because my baby is technically 

no longer the baby that he was this time last year.

Maybe it's because each year I fall deeper in love with the man I married...

watching him as a father makes me eternally sappy. 

We started off the year cuddling in bed until 10:15,

which is a rarity these days. 

We snuggled, I breastfed baby, and we made a fort out of our sheets

for baby to crawl into and wave to Daddy's toes. 

We rolled out of bed and went 

for a family run/bike ride along our neighborhood nature trail. 

The dogs were happy to let their legs outstretch, 

and let their tongues hang out the sides of their mouths. 

Travis and Kieran cheered me on as I did a few sprints, 

"GO Mommy GOOOO!"

I couldn't help but smile at the sweetness of such enthusiastic encouragement.

We got back home and made a nice breakfast,

and Kieran fed half of his to the dogs.

(As you can imagine, they REALLY love him.)

We tried to run a few errands, but every place we went was closed. 

Of course they were! It's New Year's! 

You are not supposed to be running errands on New Year's.

Oh yeah!

So we decided to forego the errands (as if we had a choice!)

and we resolved to go some place totally new.

Travis suggested we do a hike in Laguna Beach

and I immediately said, "YES!"

There is nothing more refreshing, eye-opening and romantic (to me) than a hike. 

A hike with my two favorite people in the world? 

Yes! 

And just before sunset? 

Yes, yes!!

We decided to go to the Nix Nature Center off Laguna Canyon Road.

I was in love with not only the surroundings, 

but the Nature Center building was kind of awesome too.

The sun was shining bright...

  it was such a perfect golden glow.

It made every square inch of my being happy.

Seriously, my heart could burst with love.

The air was crisp

and the sage lined trail smelled familiar, yet new. 

We took the stroller, 

but Kieran wanted to be in our arms most of time.

He's been very cuddly lately.

It's been so nice because he just got out of a stage 

where he didn't want to be held much.

Too much to see and do on his own.

These days, he holds out his hands, palms up, 

arms outstretched and says, "Hold you?"

When I pick him up he holds me tight

and nuzzles the back of his head into the crook of my neck.

It's the stuff parent heart-melting is made of.

I think Travis and I both know that this will be a short-lived phase,

so we are holding it (& him) tight.

You can see Daddy (& stroller) too! 

I love the way he is smiling at me here! 

The trail took us on a meandering path along 

Barbara's Lake, the only natural lake in Orange County.

It was lovely.

Along the way, I was trying to find a happy medium

 between capturing the memories in pictures,

and just enjoying the moment.

But you can't pass up moments like these...

Love those faces! 

Before long, the sun was tucking back behind the grainy hills,

and the 5 o'clock Nature Center curfew was upon us.

We made it back to the trailhead, 

packed up the truck with stroller, baby and backpack,

and took the scenic route home.

It was a great start to what, I am sure,

will be a great 2015.

Cheers friends!

XOXO

Aimee

Breastfeeding: My Journey

Kieran is now officially 19 months, 

and he is still breastfeeding. 

My goal was to breastfeed for 1 year,

and anything after that was considered a bonus.

And a bonus it has been. 
Kieran's 1st birthday came and went,
and we are still going strong.

[photo cred: www.carrievines.com]

I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity.

It is not every mother that has the privilege,

and I am grateful.

Even for the times when my nipples were raw,

and I was exhausted and sleep deprived.

All my son wanted/needed was me,

 and that is a feeling unlike any other.

Floor naps are the best! (Kieran at 4 months.)

I have enjoyed cuddling my little guy,

and reveled in the sweetness of how 
he places his hand so delicately on my chest,

or how he sometimes runs his hand gently up and down my arm.

It is a calm connection between baby and I,

and that is something that I will never take for granted.

And if you don't recall,
as I mentioned in a past post,
I LOVE how I am left with his ear imprinted on my forearm.
It's a true sign of a solid feeding, and an even more solid snuggle.

Even though this journey has been one I have cherished,
I know it can't last forever. 
(Well, I know it CAN, but I am not trying to be one of those mamas 
who breastfeeds their children until they are 5. 
No offense to those who do, it just ain't my thang.)

So lately, I've been feeling the need to pull back.

To let it go, a little at a time.

And the truth is, 
Travis and I are hoping to expand our little family soon,

and I would like to be a little selfish with my body 

for the little time that I have before that happens.

In the meantime, Kieran will inevitably grow a new sense of independence.

Don't get me wrong, he is actually incredibly independent already.

Moreso than we could ever expect of 19 month old. 

He is constantly exploring and rarely feels the need to 
look back to check and see if Mommy or Daddy are close by.
His curiosity and confidence is something we love so much about him.

Kieran exploring.
[photo cred: www.carrievines.com]

But I am talking about a different kind of independence,
and I think he is starting to pave his own way. 
He has weaned a bit on his own, 

and I have followed his lead. 

On days that I work, we nurse an average of twice a day,

but on days when I am home, it's more like 4 times.

I rarely pump at work anymore, and do so on average of about once a week.
And surprisingly, my milk supply is still pretty solid.

But slowly, I know that will change. 
I am taking baby steps, for both me and baby.
I am savoring these last months
with him in my arms, his eyes gazing up at me,
his hand on my heart,
and my eyes falling into his.


Kieran after a breastfeeding sesh, about 4 months old.

We will still have these moments;
it will just be different.
Still good,
but different. 

I admire other mothers who have been on this journey alongside me.
There is a sense of pride in it. 
For nourishing our children in the most basic way.
It's a beautiful thing indeed.

Breastfeeding Kieran at 2 months old.

Cheers mamas.
Cheers babies.
& cheers to those who support us both!

XOXO

Aimee